February 1, 2011
My shadow, the shapeshifter. Always changing. The familiar morphing into the unknown. Expanding from the form I once knew. I don't recognize this figure. It is not my friend. Peter Pan may have wished to keep his shadow sewn tight but I am eager to break free of its grasp. To shirk the constant reminder of what my shadow has now become and what it will be four months from now.
Pregnancy is a blessing. To have a child will be the greatest present I will be gifted in this life. I have dreamed of being a mother for as long as I can remember. It was the one thing I knew I had to do in this life. I always saw pregnant women as incredibly beautiful and figured that the one day I was so lucky to join their elite clan that I would glow in the same way. That I would feel just as beautiful.
How wrong I was. Though I could not be happier about the blessing forming inside me I feel betrayed by what is happening on the outside. With every week I continue to grow in welcome and unwelcome places. I don't feel beautiful. I feel huge. I wish this was not so difficult for me. That I could marvel and enjoy every symptom of this time. I bask in the thought of the gorgeous little boy that I am creating within my frame. Then I see my shadow snickering next to me. Reminding me of the toll I will pay for this wondrous journey. I would despise it if it weren't for what it stood for. The light at the end of the tunnel.
For now I will sit in traffic in this tunnel and try to avoid my new frenemy until I make it to the other side. Grow to the size of the Empire State Building if you must shadow. Whatever it takes to get to the light. My precious gift. My baby boy.